Feel What You Feel
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: "What's it like to… To be in control of your emotions?" Jim finally gives in and asks the Vulcan Commander something that has been on his mind for a long time.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Feel What You Feel**

**Summary: "What's it like to… To be in control of your emotions?" Jim** **finally gives in and asks the Vulcan Commander something that has been on his mind for a long time.**

**Author's Note: The last two days have been really busy so I fell behind with my advent calendar so I'm trying to upload three things today. This is the first! The second chapter of this is going to be uploaded at a later date. Anyway, chapter one is dedicated to Nickel! Merry Christmas and I hope you enjoy! Oh! Also, something huge I want to share with you all! There is a sequel for _Star Trek 2009 _set for release in 2011! It's on IMBD as _Untitled Star Trek Sequel! _Just so you know.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Star Trek 2009. _**

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Spock, as a child was brought up to think objectively. He was told to act only out of logic and never by what his emotions urged him to do. I know this only too well. Constantly on board the _Enterprise _Spock tells me to be rational and that my plans were illogical. The Commander fascinates me. I'm intrigued by his cool exterior and unflinching calm. Only on a few occasions have I seen the Vulcan lose control and there was something hugely distressing about it. It wasn't the same as watching Bones get upset, or myself getting angry. It had to be something massive before Spock succumbed to his emotions to that extent. It was frightening to watch. Heartbreaking.

Currently, I'm sitting in his chair on the Bridge, legs crossed and head resting on my hand. I'm watching the Commander at his station. I frown slightly, contemplating the concept of emotion. How must if feel to have such control that your emotions never showed. I try to comprehend this as I watch. Spock calmly presses buttons and types various codes into the computer at his station without a trace of feeling crossing his face at any point. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be in possession of such self-control. How would it be to not react to provocation, to not give into grief, to control fear? I wonder how it must be to never show happiness. Over half of human communication takes place through body language, I know, and coming across someone who communicates only with words is daunting.

I turn and look at Ensign Chekov whom is wearing an expression of mild confusion and frustration. Humans are so readable. It's so obvious what they are feeling. But Spock is different.

In the evening, both Spock and I are off duty. Suddenly I can't control my curiosity any more. I walk through the ship's corridors, nodding to those who salute me on my way. I eventually reach the Commander's quarters. I take a deep breath and knock on the door.

"Enter," comes the familiar even voice from behind the door and then it slides open with a hiss.

"Spock," I say as I walk in slowly.

"Good evening, Jim," Spock nods. He is sitting cross-legged on his bed. He's clearly been meditating. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company? You appear to have something on your mind."

I always feel so readable when I'm in Spock's company. The Vulcan just understands me. "Yeah, I do. But it's kind of strange."

"Tell me, Jim," Spock said, "Do not feel embarrassed."

Again with the readable thing. I take a deep breath and just blurt it out, "What's it like to… To be in control of your emotions?"

Spock doesn't answer for a moment. He just looks at me and raises an eyebrow only slightly. "Sit down, Jim." I'm taken aback slightly so sit down quickly on the edge of Spock's bed. Spock carries on, "Let me show you." He makes a move towards my face and I flinch, suddenly anxious.

"Spock-." I begin.

"Do not fear, Jim. This won't hurt," Spock says, "The mind meld is painless when done correctly. Trust me."  
"I trust you," I say quietly and let Spock place his hand on the left side of my face. His touch is cool and gentle. My stomach flips slightly when I feel another consciousness merge with mine and then next moment calmness washes over me like a sudden wave. It's like I've become part of him and he's part of me. I would be afraid normally at this invasion of my mind but everything inside me is at peace. I gaze at Spock and every time some feeling of confusion, worry or fear comes into my mind I feel it being forced down and ground into nothing. "This, Jim, is control."

"How…?" I breathe. I have never felt so at ease before in my life. I am James T Kirk! I'm always doing something; running around, fighting Klingons… Always busy. This experience is strange for me.

"Practice. It takes years to be able to grasp your emotions as tightly as a Vulcan," the Commander explains coolly. "It takes great self-control."

"Don't you ever get sick of this?" I ask curiously, "Don't you ever _want _to show how you feel?"

"Emotions are illogical and only provide a hindrance to the task at hand," Spock tells me simply. "It has become part of my life to quash emotion."

"But everything you've seen…? How can you just keep that bottled up?" I ask. I can't understand it. There are times when I'd give _anything _to not have to give into grief and hurt. I'd give _anything. _

A sharp pain jolts the back of my mind and I cry out. A look of pain crosses Spock's face as he watches. In an instant it's gone and he carries on talking. "I do not see the advantage of breaking down. That is very human," Spock says calmly.

"Sometimes it helps," I reason, very logically in my opinion.

"It is unnecessary," Spock insists firmly. We are silent for a moment, his hand still resting against the side of my face. I shut my eyes slowly and try to figure out this feeling of unfeeling inside me. I'm very aware that Spock can hear all my thoughts but there's nothing I can do about it. Usually I'd be annoyed and frustrated but I'm not. I observe this fact from a new point of view – one that can think only neutrally.

"Jim?" Spock says eventually.

"Huh?"

"Do you mind if I try something?" Spock asks quietly.

"What?"

"I would like to feel what you feel," he says.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: This is dedicated to the wonderful Zebbie! Merry Christmas Zebbie! I think this is our third Christmas now...? Anyway, I hope you enjoy this! And also, a big huge massive thank you to everyone who reviewed! I was so surprised by the good reaction this got! That really means the world to me! Thank you! And merry Christmas!**

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I look at Spock for a moment, feeling my eyes widen and my mouth hanging open in surprise – but that feeling of surprise is only fleeting; Spock crushes it immediately. He waits patiently for my response, his hand still against my head. I'd never even considered he might want to know what it was like to be _me_. I thought he thought my emotional state was ridiculous – maybe even revolting.

"It is just a different way of living, Jim," Spock tells me evenly. His mind-reading tricks are starting to unnerve me.

I take a deep breath and look the Commander in the eye. "Okay," I say with some difficulty. "Go for it."

"Thank you, Jim," Spock says with a small nod. He shuts his eyes slowly and suddenly I feel everything change inside me. I feel his mind beside mine in a different way now. It's like he's watching. He's not in control of how I feel; he's just _there _in my head and it really freaks me out. Now he's stopped squashing every feeling that comes to me, I'm afraid.

All my emotions hit me at once in one big swarm. I gasp as confusion, pain, fear, anger, joy, comfort and anguish all collide in my mind. It's one of those feelings that are really hard to explain. I see Spock's eyes spring open in surprise and he stares at me. I see genuine alarm written all over his face. I'm breathing quicker now as his presence in my mind becomes more and more obvious. I shut my eyes tightly and try to force myself to stay calm. It's just Spock. Nobody is going to hurt me. Maybe I would manage to control myself if Spock hadn't been so afraid of what we are feeling too. It isn't just my own terror now - it's his too.

I know he said the Meld wouldn't hurt but right now, it is. Maybe it's because Spock has lost his cool and he needs to be calm and collected. It's like my brain is on fire. I'm not usually one to succumb to panic but I do.

"Spock!" I whisper agitatedly, "Spock! Please, Spock!" I force myself to open my eyes and see Spock looking as fearful as me. I've never seen the Vulcan look as scared as he does now and that alone makes things worse. "Spock, stop! Please!"

He seems unable to do anything. I try and compose myself with all my might but it's hard to fight against his fear and confusion when his mind is so close to mine. I force myself to try and push him away from my thoughts. _Spock! Stop! Please! _ I feel his hold on my mind loosening gradually. I try to think of something good… Something safe. Anything. The _Enterprise._ I focus with all my might on each individual crewmember, thinking of their faces and their names willing Spock to calm down. I don't understand why he can't draw himself away and regain his self-control. I don't understand anything. _SPOCK! _

A searing pain flashes in my head for a moment and then it's gone. I cry out in pain and rush a hand instinctively to my forehead. As soon as my mind clears I'm aware I'm alone in my head again. I'm breathing heavily and my hands feel clammy. I look at Spock sitting opposite me but he's become unreadable.

"Spock?" I probe, "Are you all right?"

"Yes," he says but his voice isn't as calm as usual. He glances away and then back, "There is so much grief in your life, Jim."

"It's not all bad," I reason with him. I feel slightly shivery and cold. I'm absolutely exhausted suddenly.

"A logical observation," Spock agrees with a slow nod. "I find it difficult to comprehend how you can control all this negativity in your state of mind."

"I've never had any other option, Spock," I tell him. "It's just a different way of dealing to yours."

"Again, this is logical," Spock says. His eyes are clouded but other than that I can't tell how he's feeling. "I understand you are uncomfortable with the Mind Meld?"

"Mmm," I mumble awkwardly, I stare at the floor and bite my lip anxiously.

"Your discomfort was evident," he points out, "Your feelings of panic evoked a sense of fear in me – something which I am unused to feeling so strongly and not being able to control. I apologise if this caused you pain."

"No, I'm fine," I shake off his apology. "I'll… I'll just go now. I have something to do." I get up quickly and make towards the door, leaving my Vulcan Commander sitting on the bed watching me go. "Thanks Spock."

"Thank you too, Jim," he says, getting to his feet and walking towards me slowly, "However there is one more thing I would like to ask of you."

This surprises me. I frown as I hover by the door curiously. Soon Spock has closed the distance between us and I ask, "What's that?"

I certainly didn't expect what happens next. He leaned closer to me and pressed his lips against mine. Although I'm shocked, I react instinctively and shut my eyes, letting him kiss me softly. It's not a heated moment. It's not urgent – merely gently and caring. His lips are cool against mine and a shiver runs down my spine.

After a few moments he pulls away from me and I swear I see the ghost of a smile on his lips. "Spock-," I begin struggling to kick my stunned brain into gear.

"Good night, Jim," Spock says calmly, turning on his heel and heading back to his bed. I gape slightly as he settles himself and closes his eyes in meditation. I'm not quite sure what to make of this so I turn around and leave, my mind buzzing. Amongst all that confusion, I do feel the Commander and I have come to a new understanding. What that will lead to, I'm unsure but one thing is for certain: I want to keep my mind to myself thank you very much.

_End. _


End file.
